No More Dairy

Moratorium on All Urban Dairy Import, Except into Private Cities

March 5, 2029

By Isaac Hollander McCreery

The White House announced today that dairy products will no longer be imported into most cities, effective immediately.

Dairy commerce into private cities, including San Francisco, Seattle, and Chicago, will remain, according to the bill passed by Congress on Friday and signed into law just prior to the announcement. “Due to the higher taxes that dairy products garner in private cities, we will continue to allow their import, from both domestic and foreign areas, into those municipalities,” said Herb Noluck, Commissioner of Food and Drugs.

Federal sales taxes on dairy, like other food, increased to 2.1% in private cities in June, and remain at 2.0% in public cities and other areas. The federal government is expected to gain $150 million in additional annual tax revenues from the measure.

“This is of course a harrowing and humbling measure,” said senator Grompton Stork, on of the sponsors of the bill, “but as I’ve said before, desperate times call for desperate measures. Dairy production is down, and we need all the tax revenue we can get from the limited supply.” Stork became known as a key legislator in commerce regulation when he introduced the landmark Thirty-Third Amendment to the Constitution, which modified the Commerce Clause of the Constitution to grant the federal government the power to control intrastate commerce, paving the way for this legislation. Stork owns Chicago and Cleveland, two of the private cities that will be unaffected by the moratorium.

A. spottifilus continues to cause havoc in the domestic cow populations. Domestic milk production has steadily declined in the last eight years, from its peak of 295 billion pounds in 2021, to its present 84 billion pounds annually at present. It is estimated that 60 billion pounds are imported into private cities annually, and the White House estimates that to increase by 10 billion pounds, decreasing the price of dairy in those areas. The remaining production is expected to be exported to foreign territories.

Ramona Blackwater, one of the most outspoken opponents of the bill, called it “yet another offensive, unconstitutional blemish on the history of food justice in the United States.” At a press conference, she stated, “it’s a perfect example of this country’s inability to understand and address systemic issues, instead allowing tycoons to profit off of our changing climate.” Blackwater heads Food & Water Watch, a former-501.c3 group that lost its non-profit status in the same week that three of its top executives were charged with conspiracy against the United States Government and jailed.